Monday

1915

Rules for Teachers in 1915 in the US

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m.unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:
* sweep the floor at least once daily
* scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water
* clean the blackboards at least once a day
* start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

Sent by B.

Sunday

Affection

Professors of different subjects defining the word "kiss" :

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Sent by M.

Saturday

Observation

Learn and Earn

Chuan and Jing joined a wholesale company together just after graduation.
Both worked very hard.

After several years, the boss promoted Jing to sales executive but Chuan remained a sales rep.
One day, Chuan could not take it anymore.
He tendered his resignation to the boss and complained the boss did not value the hard working staff, but only promoted those who flattered him.

The boss knew that Chuan worked very hard for many years, but in order to help Chuan realise the difference between him and Jing, the boss asked Chuan to do the following:
Go find out if anyone is selling water melon in the market?
Chuan returned and said yes.
The boss asked how much per kg?
Chuan went back to the market to ask and returned to inform boss the $12 per kg.

Boss tells Chuan: "I will ask Jing the same question."
Jing went, returned and said: " Boss, only one person is selling water melon: $12 per kg, $100 for 10 kg.
He has an inventory of 340 melons.
On the table there are 58 melons.
Every melon weighs about 15 kg.
They were brought from the South two days ago.
They are fresh and red, good quality.

Chuan was very impressed and realised the difference between himself and Jing.
He decided not to resign but to learn from Jing.

A more successful person is more observant, thinks more and understands in depth.
For the same matter, a more successful person sees several years ahead, while others see only tomorrow.
The difference between a year and a day is 365 times.

Think!
How far have you seen ahead in your life?
How thoughtful in depth are you?

Author unknown

Friday

Metric System

Now that the metric system is in wide use world wide (except here in the US), it is time to change a few common phrases.

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers

Put your best .3 of a meter forward

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child

Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

Sent by Gill

Thursday

Flowers

Remember, We're Raising Children, Not Flowers!

Stephen Glenn. a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs, was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter.

The reporter asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old.
He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor - a veritable sea of milk!

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture or punishing him, she said: "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done.
Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"

Indeed, he did.

After a few minutes, his mother said: "You know, Robert, whenever you ake a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order.
So, how would you like to do that?
We could use a sponge, a towel or a mop.
Which do you prefer?"
He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up.

His mother then said: "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands.

Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it."
The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it.
What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes.
Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about.

Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.
Wouldn't it be great if all parents would respond the way Robert's mother responded to him?

Author Unknown

Wednesday

Tests

Test Answers

1. Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

2. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

3. Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

4. Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

5. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

6. Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

7. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

8. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

9. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

10. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

11. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O,and U.

12. Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

13. Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

14. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

15. Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

16. Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

17. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

18. Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

19. Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

20. Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

21. Q: What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs

Sent by Rob

Tuesday

Thoughts

Are ya havin' a Bad Day????

Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Sent by Darquise

Monday

Poetry

I Don't Want To Go

I have no patience left,
I just want to cry.
I want to scream and yell,
And tell the school good-bye.

When tomorrow comes,
And the alarm goes off.
At my mirror I'll look,
And then I'll scoff.

I don't want to go.
I simply can not go.
Do I really have to?
Oh please, say "NO!"

Yet, for really and truly,
When tomorrow is here.
I'll drag myself up,
And go in with cheer.

I'll plaster that fake smile,
And hopefor early dismissal.
But by the end of the day,
That smile will be real.

For teaching I love,
Just needed to vent.
Now I'll go back to my cherubs,
Who were heaven - sent!

Anonymous

Sunday

Phrases

Phrases you wish you could say at work:

1. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!... Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Sent by S.K.

Saturday

Courage

A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam.
To play with their minds a little(what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.
He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.

Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation.
All, that is, except for one student. He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper. He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.

The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.
The professor wrote "100%" on the top of that student's test.

The question: What is courage?
The student's answer: This is.