When God Made Truck Drivers
When the Lord was creating Truck Drivers, he was into his sixth day of
overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of
fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order?"
"A truck driver has to be able to drive 10-12 or more hours per day,
through any type of weather, on any type of road, know the highway
traffic laws of 48 states and 10 provinces, he has to be ready and able
to unload 40,000 lbs of cargo after driving thru the night, sleep in
areas of cities and towns that the police refuse to patrol."
"He has to be able to live in his truck 24 hours a day 7 days a week
for weeks on end, offer first aid and motorist assistance to his fellow
travelers, meet just in time schedules, and still maintain an even and
controlled composure when all around him appear to have gone mad."
"He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black
coffee and half-eaten meals; he has to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no
way."
It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "it's
the three pairs of eyes a driver has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded.
"One pair that sees the herd of deer in the thickets 3 miles away"
"Another pair here in the side of his head for the blind spots that
motorists love to hide in; and another pair of eyes here in front that
can look reassuringly at the bleeding victim of a drunk driver that
crashed into his ICC bumper at 70MPH and say, 'You'll be all right
ma'am,' when he knows it isn't so."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this
tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can drive 650
miles a day, without incident and can raise a family of five without
ever seeing them, on 30 cents a mile."
The angel circled the model of the truck driver very slowly, "Can it
think?" ,she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of every HAZMAT
load invented; recite Federal Motor Carrier Regulations rules and regs
in its sleep; deliver, pickup, be a father, offer timely advice to
strangers, search for missing children, defend a woman's or children's
rights, get 8 hours of good rest on the street and raise a family of
Law respecting citizens, without ever going home ... and still it keeps
its sense of humor. "
"This driver also has phenomenal personal control.
He can deal with delivery and pickup areas created from scenes painted
in hell, coax a lumper to actually work for his money, comfort an
accident victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how truck
drivers are nothing more than killers on wheels and have no respect for
the rights of others while using the nations highways, which are mostly
paid for by truck taxes.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the
driver.
"There's a leak," she pronounced.
"I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the lord, "it's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to
that funny piece of cloth called the flag, for justice, for the family
without its father."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
Author Unknown
A psychology professor at the University
of Miami knew his students
expected a terrifyingly long final exam.
To play with their minds a little(what do you expect from a psychology
professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.
He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams
and saw the one question.
Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the
question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and
consternation.
All, that is, except for one student. He read the question, tapped his
pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the
test paper. He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and
walked out.
The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote,
and smiled.
The professor wrote "100%" on the top of that student's test.
The question: What is courage?
The student's answer: This is.
A professor in bioengineering had worked
many years perfecting a
process of reproducing human embryo from the cells of single human.
Against all odds, he succeeded not only in the reproduction, but also
in an accelerated growth process.
He used his own cells for much of his experimentation, and his most
successful experiment was a man identical to him in appearance and age,
with almost identical mental and behavioral characteristics.
A major press conference and reception was planned by his university to
introduce the man and his creation to the world.
As the date of the reception drew near, the professor became aware of a
disconcerting tendency in his creature to rude remarks, crude behavior,
and pornographic suggestions.
The professor hoped that perhaps the reception might pass without
incident, but the episodes of bad behavior were accelerating at an
alarming rate.
Finally, at the reception, which was held in the penthouse of the
president of the university, the professor watched in horror as his
creature exposed himself to the hostess.
Realizing that his own reputation as well as the college were about to
disintegrate, he motioned his creature over to the window to speak with
him.
With a subtle but powerful move, he shoved his creature through the
window and watched him fall to his death many stories below.
He was observed however, and was consequently arrested.
The charges? Making an obscene clone fall.
Sent by K.S.
A couple had been happily married for
years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She
told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went up upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Sent by Randy
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