Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I
meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Keep honking...I'm reloading....
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Sent by Otto
Michel, Ron and Peter were fishing in a
lake one day, when Jesus walked
across the water and joined them in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, Michel
asked humbly: "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I played
too many games at Sable Trace. Could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he
felt relief for the first time in years.
Ron, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and
driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see
When Jesus turned to Peter, the guy put his hands out defensively.
"Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
Sent by R
Last summer Ed met a woman while on
vacation and fell head over heels
in love with her.
On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and
had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady
"I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better
say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied.
"I'm a hooker."
"I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.
Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you tee off."
Sent by Darquise
A local law enforcement officer stopped a
car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies : "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally
got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
Dentistry was my dream.
Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred
Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
She gave me VD.
So, I was Fred Dingaling , MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling , MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my 'dingaling' so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the
Sent by J
There was a man named George who got a new
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,
but he may be 6 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that
he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing,
either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him
what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes
You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and
always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is
laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
Sent by M.D.
There was a long dry spell and there was
little food left in the
Near to fainting with hunger, the cunning Hare said to the Monkey :
"Monkey, let us amuse ourselves - why don't we pretend to stew each
other in the clay pot to pass the time?"
Foolish Monkey jumped to the idea.
"Oh Hare, you are very wise - if we stew each other, we won't be hungry
anymore. I will get the firewood".
Soon the fire and pot were prepared and it was time to start the
Hare jumped in first and Monkey stirred his make-believe stew.
When the heat became unbearable, Hare cried "muzukuru muzukuru
ndostva!" (I'm burning!).
Immediately, Monkey helped Hare out of the pot.
Now it was Monkey's turn - he jumped in and after some time, things got
hot. Monkey cried, "Sekuru, sekuru ndostva!" (I am burning!)
Hare replied, "Tsviramo" (burn).
Monkey continued to plead with Hare to let him out, but the reply was
the same. Eventually, Monkey was stewed. What a meal Hare had!!
The moral of the story is: "Don't accept every idea you hear."
Sent by Wadzi
The young mother set her foot on the path
of life. "Is this the long
way?" she asked.
The guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard, and you will be old before
you reach the end of it, but the end will be better than the
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything
could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and
gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear
streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, then the storm, and the path was dark, and the
children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and
covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are
not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children
climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she
said to the children, "A little patience and we are there."
So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said,
"Mother, we would not have done it without you."
And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and
said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned
fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage.
Today, I have given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds
of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the
mother said: "Look up, lift your eyes to the light!"
The children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and
it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said,
"This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and
the mother grew old, and she was little and bent. But her children were
tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough,
they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather, and at last they
came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden
gates flung wide.
And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know
the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone,
and their children after them."
And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when
you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she
went on alone, and the gates closed after her.
And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother
like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence!"
Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you
walk down the street, she's the smell of bleach in your freshly
laundered socks, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well.
Your Mother lives inside your laughter, she's crystallized in every
tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's
the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and
your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time,
not space...not even death!
Three little boys were concerned because
they couldn't get anyone to
play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come
out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go
out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,"What religion
do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water
We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopalians."
Sent by Sherri