Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln's letter to his son's Headmaster

" He will have to learn, I know, that all men are not just, all men are not true. But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero: that for every selfish politician, there is a dedicated leader…. Teach him that for every enemy there is a friend, it will take time, I know; but teach him if you can, that a dollar earned is of far more value than five found…. Teach him to learn to lose and also to enjoy winning. Steer him away from envy, if you can. Teach him the secret of quiet laughter. Let him learn early that the bullies are the easiest to lick… Teach him, if you can, the wonder of books… but also give him quiet time to ponder over the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun and flowers on a green hillside.

In school, teach him it is far more honourable to fail than to cheat… Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tells him they are wrong… Teach him to be gentle with gentle people and tough with the tough. Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crown when everyone is getting onto the bandwagon, teach him to listen to all men, but teach him also to filter all he hears on a screen of truth and take only the good that comes through.

Teach him, if you can, how to laugh when he is sad… Teach him there is no shame in tears. Teach him to scoff at cynics and to beware of too much sweetness… Teach him to sell his brawn and brain to the highest bidders; but never to put a price tag on his heart and soul. Teach him to close his ears to a howling mob… and to stand and fight if he thinks he is right.

Treat him gently; but do not cuddle him because only the test of fire makes fine steel. Let him have the courage to be impatient… let him have the patience to be brave. Teach him to always have sublime faith in himself because then he will always have sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order, but see what you can do… he is such a fine little fellow, my son."

Sent by C.

Pro Sports

The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light:

Golf is an honourable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.

The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.

Golf courses don't ruin the neighbourhood.

And Finally :

Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.

Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Sent by Rolly


The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.
So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pets. turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to augh and wishing
I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man."

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,breathe.'"
"They started counting, but never even got past ten."
"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center!,so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,just in case another Erica comes along.

Sent by Linda


College Test Question

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This student received the only A.

Sent by RL


Teachers Wanted

An article reproduced from The Canadian School Executive -1984

"An expert in special education with familiarity in computer literacy who has a sound basis of learning theory, knowledge of multicultural issues, comfortable in removing sexism from the curriculum and guidance skills to deal with the diverse and changing needs of society such as the single-parent family and child abuse and who can teach by precept and example the morals and values acceptable to the entire community.

Candidates must be able to individualize the learning process for 30 or more students. identify learning problems, and have good interpersonal skills. As well, the successful candidate must be able to work well under wage controls, with limited resources, and be impervious to continual berating by the taxpayer and the media and the government.

Additional consideration will be given to a teacher who can teach English as a second language, has skills in music, art, extracurricular activities such as sports, chess, yearbook. drama, and macrame and who can supervise over 300 children on a five acre playground after a 20 minute lunch break.

Individuals must be in good physical and mental health, able to work all day, plan lessons, mark books and tests at night and be willing to improve skills through after-school professional growth courses.

Above all else, the person must display an inordinate amount of love and caring for children, patience and understanding of each child and a high level of gratitude to the ministry of education, school trustees. and administrators.

Equal opportunity, affirmative action employer, French speaking, Chinese writing, multiple handicapped, ambidextrous, homosexual, racially mixed males and females with native ancestry and/or heritage ethnic backgrounds who are thoroughly familiar with metrication and sex education will be given first choice. Other desirable qualifications include value-free value orientations and the ability to present all sides of all issues simultaneously.

Applicants should be familiar with computer programmes and higher level bilingual computer languages.

Approximately 250,000 positions are available across Canada, millions worldwide. All positions are subject to budget decisions and may or may not continue from month to month. Since employers are always looking for better and better teachers and since the media can only uncover bad ones, these employment opportunities will remain open forever.

Please send complete resume. color photograph. religious, sexual and entertainment orientations along with salary requirements to your nearest school board."

Isn't progress wonderful...:-)


Science Test

Children gave these answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Sent by Rolly