Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a h half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Sent by John


Thoughts on Exercising

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Sent by RL



Grandpa And The Computer

The computer swallowed Grandpa
Yes honestly, its true.
He pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe he's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the internet
But nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperation
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'InBox'
My Grandpa you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him
In an e-mail back to me.

Sent by Bananas



I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we wind down the summer we all could use a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started".

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel...

Sent by Rolly



Chicken rather than turkey at Thanksgiving


6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for popping sounds.
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

Sent by RoDo



A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . . .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

Sent by Linda


Physical Examinations

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied,

"We're called..."

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"

Sent by Theresa