Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a h half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
*&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal
or a vasectomy.
Sent by John
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . . .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said
"How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
Sent by Linda
A young Native American woman went to a
doctor for her first ever
physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the
doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find
no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The
American Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied,
"We're called..."
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"
Sent by Theresa
Subscribe
