A Carpenter's Gift
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into
conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by
side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without
Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small
misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it
exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a
man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he
"Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across
the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger
brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his
bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well,
he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that
pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence - an
8-foot fence - so I won't need to see his place anymore. Cool him down,
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the
nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the
carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished
his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge... a bridge stretching
from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails
and all - and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his
"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in
the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter
hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a
lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more
bridges to build."
Teacher and Boots
Did you hear about the Calgary teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather
than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like
she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up
the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next month.
There once was an Oklahoma Indian whose
given name was "Onestone", so
named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said:"If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
She hugged him and said:"Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, and all night, and all the next day, and all the next
night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!
What is the moral of this story?
Moral : You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Sent by Rolly
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
Sent by S.
Letter Sent By College Student To His Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
Love, Your $on.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about
14. I will become a member of the Ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Sent by Dac
The friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the
They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close shop!
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Sent by Tina
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball,
the greater its attraction to water.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
Palm trees eat golf balls.
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
"Nice up" can usually be translated to "lousy putt. "Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one".
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust yours score
to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of
the same day.
Sent by Rolly
After being interviewed by the school
administration, the eager
teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their
every waking moment with a love for learning.
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify
their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even
censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship,
and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of
recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage
respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make
sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and
evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my
own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's
And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty
meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.
I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very
presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of
And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current
You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience,
monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That
includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to
commit a crime in school.
I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even
those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an
equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few
books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"