Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...

1) That's not right .........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? .......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ................Wai Yu So Tan
6) I think you need a face lift............... Chin Tu Fat
7) It's very dark in here ......................Wao So Dim
8) I thought you were on a diet ..........Wai Yu Mun Ching?
9) This is a tow away zone.................. No Pah King
10) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
11) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
12) He's cleaning his automobile ................Wa Shing Ka
13) Your body odor is offensive........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
14) Please stay a while longer................Wai Go Nao
15) They have arrived....................Hai Dei Kum
16) I am not guilty.....................Wai Hang Mi
17) I got this for free.................Ai No Pei
18) You are not very bright ..............Yu So Dum
19) I bumped into a coffee table .............Ai Bang Mai Ni
20) Stupid man...........................Dum Gai

Sent by Drew



When God Made Truck Drivers

When the Lord was creating Truck Drivers, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order?"

"A truck driver has to be able to drive 10-12 or more hours per day, through any type of weather, on any type of road, know the highway traffic laws of 48 states and 10 provinces, he has to be ready and able to unload 40,000 lbs of cargo after driving thru the night, sleep in areas of cities and towns that the police refuse to patrol."

"He has to be able to live in his truck 24 hours a day 7 days a week for weeks on end, offer first aid and motorist assistance to his fellow travelers, meet just in time schedules, and still maintain an even and controlled composure when all around him appear to have gone mad."

"He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals; he has to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes a driver has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded.
"One pair that sees the herd of deer in the thickets 3 miles away"
"Another pair here in the side of his head for the blind spots that motorists love to hide in; and another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at the bleeding victim of a drunk driver that crashed into his ICC bumper at 70MPH and say, 'You'll be all right ma'am,' when he knows it isn't so."

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can drive 650 miles a day, without incident and can raise a family of five without ever seeing them, on 30 cents a mile."

The angel circled the model of the truck driver very slowly, "Can it think?" ,she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of every HAZMAT load invented; recite Federal Motor Carrier Regulations rules and regs in its sleep; deliver, pickup, be a father, offer timely advice to strangers, search for missing children, defend a woman's or children's rights, get 8 hours of good rest on the street and raise a family of Law respecting citizens, without ever going home ... and still it keeps its sense of humor. "

"This driver also has phenomenal personal control.
He can deal with delivery and pickup areas created from scenes painted in hell, coax a lumper to actually work for his money, comfort an accident victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how truck drivers are nothing more than killers on wheels and have no respect for the rights of others while using the nations highways, which are mostly paid for by truck taxes.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the driver.
"There's a leak," she pronounced.
"I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the lord, "it's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the flag, for justice, for the family without its father."
"You're a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."

Author Unknown



Two Frogs

Two young frogs fell into a bucket of milk. Both tried to jump to freedom, but the sides of the bucket were steep and no foundation was to be had on the surface of the liquid.

Seeing little chance of escape, the first frog soon despaired and stopped jumping. After a short while he sunk to the bottom of the bucket and drowned.

The second frog also saw no likelihood of success, but he never stopped trying. Even though each jump seemed to reach the same inadequate height, he kept on struggling. Eventually, his persistent efforts churned some milk into butter. From the now hardened surface of the milk, he managed to leap out of the bucket.

The moral of the story:

Those who don't give up and are persistent may be in for a pleasant surprise!

Author Unknown



A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam.
To play with their minds a little(what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.
He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.

Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation.
All, that is, except for one student. He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper. He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.

The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.
The professor wrote "100%" on the top of that student's test.

The question: What is courage?
The student's answer: This is.



Food for thought:

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?
Why do they call them Jumbo-Shrimp?
And what's the point of a "final draft"?
What do humanitarians eat?
Are part time band leaders semi-conductors?
Where does the white go when snow melts?
If you are driving the speed of light and you turn your lights on:
- Do they come on??
- Do your tail lights come on twice as fast?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
I If a cow could laugh would milk come up its nose?

Sent by D.J.



A professor in bioengineering had worked many years perfecting a process of reproducing human embryo from the cells of single human.

Against all odds, he succeeded not only in the reproduction, but also in an accelerated growth process.
He used his own cells for much of his experimentation, and his most successful experiment was a man identical to him in appearance and age, with almost identical mental and behavioral characteristics.

A major press conference and reception was planned by his university to introduce the man and his creation to the world.
As the date of the reception drew near, the professor became aware of a disconcerting tendency in his creature to rude remarks, crude behavior, and pornographic suggestions.
The professor hoped that perhaps the reception might pass without incident, but the episodes of bad behavior were accelerating at an alarming rate.

Finally, at the reception, which was held in the penthouse of the president of the university, the professor watched in horror as his creature exposed himself to the hostess.

Realizing that his own reputation as well as the college were about to disintegrate, he motioned his creature over to the window to speak with him.
With a subtle but powerful move, he shoved his creature through the window and watched him fall to his death many stories below.
He was observed however, and was consequently arrested.

The charges? Making an obscene clone fall.

Sent by K.S.


More Horses

Common advice from knowledgeable horse trainers includes the adage,
"If the horse you're riding dies, get off."
Seems simple enough doesn't it?
Yet in education we don't always follow that advice.

Instead, we often choose from an array of other alternatives which include:

1.Buying a stronger whip
2.Trying a new bit or bridle
3.Switching riders
4.Moving the horse to a new location
5.Riding the horse for longer periods of time
6.Saying things like, "This is the way we've always ridden this horse.
7.Appointing a committee to study the horse.
8.Arranging to visit other sites where they ride dead horses more efficiently
9.Increasing the standards for riding dead horses
10.Creating a test for measuring our riding ability
11.Comparing how we're riding now with how we did ten or twenty years ago.
12.Complaining about the state of horse these days
13.Coming up with new styles of riding
14.Blaming the horse's parents. The problem is often in the breeding
15.Tightening the cinch

Sound familiar?

Posted bt K.


Time Travel

I want to go back to the time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!

Sent by L.H.



A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went up upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Sent by Randy



15 Pieces of Advice for Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? ... You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon ... they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Sent by R.



Teacher's alphabet

A is for the abundance of questions and yearning
B is for both inward and outward beauty
C is for creative learning
D is for doing it over 'til it's right
E is for the effort you pour into preparing into each night
F is for watching how far we can go
G is for seeing us blossom and grow
H is for reaching for that star so high
I is for imagination, for the courage to try
J is for joy in touching a child's life in a meaningful way
K is for kindness you bring children each day
L is for the love of teaching we see
M is for the "me" you're helping me to be
N is for never being to busy to pray
O is for overcoming our desire to stray
P is for positives you bring to each
Q is for the quintessential way to teach
R is for your willingness to give us a reason
S is for teaching us to appreciate each season
T is for touching those that sit before you
U is for understanding our fear of all that is so new
V is for the vitality you show each day
W is for every wonderment you bring our way
X is for the extra special teacher we see
Y is for our sense of yearning to be, and
Z is for the big "yahoo" sent from your very own "zoo"!



No More Lip Prints

A school was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Sent by C.S.



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons upon which to snack.
The stewardess takes one look at the birds and says:
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it burned in two and sank.
This proves that you can't halve your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar, looks around slowly and growls:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

There was a man who sent ten different puns to his friends.
He hoped that at least one of the puns would make his friends laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sent by A.