Choose your New Year's resolution :

1. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

11. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

14. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Sent by J.D.



A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.
She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

Sent by Sam



Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"Jesus saves."

Sent by Madeleine



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Sent by Mel



Twas the week before Christmas
And all through my class,
The students were buzzing, not a one was on task.
The stockings were hung on the incentive board with care,
In hopes that "smiley" stickers soon would be there.

The kid's desks were strewn with Christmas drawings of green & red,
While visions of class parties danced in their heads.
With my chalk,markers, spelling lists in hand, I donned my "super teacher's cap"
And longingly I looked forward to a long, Christmas break nap.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was a matter
Away to the teacher's lounge I flew like a flash,
Tore open the doors, ran to the window in a dash.
The sun on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave lustre to the playground objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the "ho, ho" man himself…yes with reindeer!!
With a sleigh, and a smile so lively and quick,
I thought to myself…am I feeling quite sick?
Or could this indeed be the famous St. Nick!

Through the door St. Nicholas came with a bound,
Went straight to the teacher's boxes, with nary a sound.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the boxes, with goodies, bonus checks and other great perks.
And laying his finger aside of his cheek
And giving a nod..said…"Good teacher, take heart..tis but one more week!"

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down on a thistle,
I wound my way back to my own classroom halls,
With my students gleefully bouncing off the four walls,
But I heard him exclaim as he drove off with elation,
Merry Christmas dear Teachers…and enjoy your Vacation!

Reworked from Clement C. Moore's "Twas The Night Before Christmas" by Heather Skipworth Craven

Sent by J.


Senior Golf

Rule #1:
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule #2:
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.

Rule #3:
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.

Rule #4:
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it is "deemed to have dropped". The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Rule #5:
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule #6:
There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule #7:
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.

Rule #8:
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Sent by Rolly via Denis


Country Bumpkin

You Might Be From a Small Town If:

You can name everyone you graduated with.
You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
You know what 4-H is.
You ever went to "headlight parties."
You used to drag "main."
You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
You ever went cow-tipping.
School gets cancelled for state sporting events.
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself.
No place sells gas on Sunday.
Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10).
You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.
It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog.
You had senior skip day.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Marty's house, go two blocks past Sanderson', and it's four houses left of the track field).

Sent by Jim



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man from Newfoundland started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"

The Newfie replied, "They're Carol's."

Sent by Madeleine



A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."

Sent by Rolly


Age difference

30 Years Difference

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts togethera list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or de plane Boss, de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Sent by Madeleine