Choose your New Year's resolution :
1. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and
complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
11. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are
no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it
worrying about the future?
14. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws.
Sent by J.D.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going
argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They
downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created
labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some
genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse
word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone!
It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
"Jesus saves."
Sent by Madeleine
Twas the week before Christmas
And all through my class,
The students were buzzing, not a one was on task.
The stockings were hung on the incentive board with care,
In hopes that "smiley" stickers soon would be there.
The kid's desks were strewn with Christmas drawings of green &
red,
While visions of class parties danced in their heads.
With my chalk,markers, spelling lists in hand, I donned my "super
teacher's cap"
And longingly I looked forward to a long, Christmas break nap.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was a matter
Away to the teacher's lounge I flew like a flash,
Tore open the doors, ran to the window in a dash.
The sun on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave lustre to the playground objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the "ho, ho" man himself…yes with reindeer!!
With a sleigh, and a smile so lively and quick,
I thought to myself…am I feeling quite sick?
Or could this indeed be the famous St. Nick!
Through the door St. Nicholas came with a bound,
Went straight to the teacher's boxes, with nary a sound.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the boxes, with goodies, bonus checks and other great
perks.
And laying his finger aside of his cheek
And giving a nod..said…"Good teacher, take heart..tis but
one more week!"
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down on a thistle,
I wound my way back to my own classroom halls,
With my students gleefully bouncing off the four walls,
But I heard him exclaim as he drove off with elation,
Merry Christmas dear Teachers…and enjoy your Vacation!
Reworked from Clement C. Moore's "Twas The Night Before Christmas" by
Heather Skipworth Craven
Sent by J.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He
is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error
in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old
abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R",
we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."
Sent by Rolly
Subscribe