Sunday

Seminars For Men

(Prepared and presented by females)

1. How to fill an ice tray.
2. You too can do housework.
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception.
5. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
6. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms.
7. Get a life; learn to cook.
8. How not to act like an idiot when you're obviously wrong.
9. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost.
10. Reasons to give flowers.
11. How to stay awake in public.
12. Garbage: Getting it to the curb.
13. How to put the toilet lid down.
14. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency.
15. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes.
16. Reasons to call home.
17. Mothers-in-law: They are people too .

Sent by B

Motherhood

"Why God made Moms".
(Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions.)

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and ,one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
(I think some man must have slipped that answer in -- Max)

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet ? You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Sent by Darquise

Wednesday

Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M".
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?


Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.


Teaching Math in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60 ?


Teaching Math in 2005:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.. La cuesta de produccion es..

Sent by Denis

Saturday

Alphabet - Senior's Version

A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
L for libido--what happened to sex?
M is for Metamusil
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

Sent by Linda

Monday

Literacy

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.

Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service.

With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help.

The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down"

Sent by JS