Bull fight

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, undaunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation, I'll have some!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow"

The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor ... sometimes the bull wins."

Sent by John

Politics

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers ( hens ), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair...and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Sent by Linda

More Poetry

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past"

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were wild.
Now we suffer body aches
and wish the night would die.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!

Sent by Madeleine

Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won,they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said,"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs."

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.

'"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.'

""And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Sent by Linda

Canadian Baby

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

Sent by Claire