The Golfer and the Leprechaun

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.
"I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week. "

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Sent by Gina

Lexophiles

Just a few ideas to keep you "sharp"

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
10. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
15. A calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
18. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
20. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
24. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.


Sent by CS

Everything Has A Gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.


A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.


A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.


Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.


A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.


A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.


An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.


A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.


A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Sent by Linda