Carpentry

A Carpenter's Gift

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said.
"Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?"
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence - an 8-foot fence - so I won't need to see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge... a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all - and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more bridges to build."

Author Unknown

Talking Pig

A first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Sent by A.

Virus

Virus warning

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!

This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order the antidote known as BEER.
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.
Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!

Sent by Rolly

Terminology

Politically Correct Terms

Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

Fat: Horizontally challenged.

Fail: Acheive a deficiency.

Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

Worst: Least best.

Wrong: Differently logical.

Ugly: Cosmetically different.

Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

Short: Vertically challanged.

Dead: Living impaired.

Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift: Negative saver.

Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.

Sent by Devon

Decisions

Once upon a time, there lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate.

In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever.
The lever was ancient and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world.

One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever and began crossing the road so he could look at it.
At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake or end the world.

Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way.

The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever

Sent by T.J.

Attire

Teacher and Boots

Did you hear about the Calgary teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

Author Unknown

Children

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit! No way! Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the first parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Sent by N.

Starfish

As the old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea.

Finally catching up with the youth, he asked him why he was doing this.

The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.

"But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other.
"How can your effort make any difference?"

The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to safety in the waves.

"It makes a difference to this one, " he said.

Unknown

Stones

There once was an Oklahoma Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said:"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said:"Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, and all night, and all the next day, and all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story?

Moral : You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Sent by Rolly

Morals

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Sent by S.

Redwoods

The great redwoods of California are one of the beautiful natural wonders of the North America.
These giant evergreens can grow to a towering 300 feet tall and live for hundreds of years.

For all their magnificence, one would think the redwoods would require a deep root system to keep them upright.
Instead, they have roots that spread out along the surface of the forest floor to capture all the moisture possible, intertwining with the roots of other redwoods in the grove.
The interlocking roots securely support and sustain these giant sequoias when storms strike and fierce winds blow.

The trees' survival depends on the combined support of one another.
When we stand together...support one another...encourage one another...we become strong together, and like the giant redwoods, we keep growing taller.

Unknown

Reading

Short test:

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake.

I am told that the average person can't succeed.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is old cat
This is person cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

Sent by Rolly

Penmanship

Letter Sent By College Student To His Dad

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Canine

There was once a dog named Mace.
Mace was a very good dog but he had one bad habit: eating grass.
He rivaled a lawnmower!

One day, Mace's owner was working on his car and lost an expensive tool in the back yard.
It was getting dark and the grass was very high so the owner decided to stop and look in the morning.
The next morning, the owner looked outside and there was Mace wagging his tail.
All of the grass had been eaten down to the dirt and in plain sight was the lost tool!

The owner went out and called his dog:
"A Grazing Mace How Sweet the Hound who saved a Wrench for Me!"

Sent by F.

Procrastination

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but wait/wait/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the Ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Sent by Dac

Adult Education

New Classes For Men

Classes at our local adult learning centre - Sign-up!
Note:
Due to the complexity & difficulty level, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray.
-Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2
Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder?
-Round table discussion.

Topic 3
Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And Avoid Splashing The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub?
-Group practice.

Topic 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And the Floor.
-Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5
Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into the Sink?
-Examples on video.

Topic 6
Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
-Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7
Learning How To Find Things, Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down
-Diagrams and floor plans available

Topic 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
-Graphics and audio tapes

Topic 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
-Live testimonials. (may be deleted due to unavailability of any men able to give testimonials)

Topic 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
-Driving simulation.

Topic 11
Learning About Life: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
-Online class and role playing.

Topic 12
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. -
-Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13
How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
-Cerebral shock therapy sessions (Full lobotomies offered)

Sent by Gary S.

Words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

3. A backward poet writes inverse.

4. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

7. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

8. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. Every calendar's days are numbered.

11. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

12. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

13. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

14. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

17. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

18. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

19. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of da feet.

Sent by T.

Horses

Common advice from knowledgeable horse trainers includes the adage,
"If the horse you're riding dies, get off."

Seems simple enough doesn't it?
Yet in education we don't always follow that advice.
Instead, we often choose from an array of other alternatives which include:

1.Buying a stronger whip
2.Trying a new bit or bridle
3.Switching riders
4.Moving the horse to a new location
5.Riding the horse for longer periods of time
6.Saying things like, "This is the way we've always ridden this horse.
7.Appointing a committee to study the horse.
8.Arranging to visit other sites where they ride dead horses more efficiently
9.Increasing the standards for riding dead horses
10.Creating a test for measuring our riding ability
11.Comparing how we're riding now with how we did ten or twenty years ago.
12.Complaining about the state of horse these days
13.Coming up with new styles of riding
14.Blaming the horse's parents. The problem is often in the breeding
15.Tightening the cinch

Sound familiar?

Sent bt K.

Friars

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business.
They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop!
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Sent by Tina

Golf Laws

LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7:
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8:
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9:
Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10:
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11:
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent.

LAW 13:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14:
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).

LAW 15:
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16:
"Nice up" can usually be translated to "lousy putt. "Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one".

LAW 17:
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust yours score to what it really should be.

LAW 19:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Sent by Rolly

Interview

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree.

And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.

I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.

And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.

You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.

I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"

Author Unknown